Lately it's been hard for me to go out to functions. With my mask off, I feel vulnerable and uncomfortable.
"Do they know?"
"What do I say if they ask?"
"What do they think of me shedding my skin?"
"Are they afraid?"
"Do they think I'm a fraud?"
These thoughts run through my head like a movie trailer constantly repeating.
"What will associates that Nancy knows think of her tonight? Will they approach her, or will they reject her?"
It's odd, because being psychic (I've been using this word because I too, need to let go of the stigma) has always been apart of me. It's been hidden, but apart of me. Now, the only thing that has changed is now, that part of me is exposed. It makes me feel naked, and not in the good sexy way we all tend to feel after a glass of wine. (Or is that just me?)
The truth of the matter is, I know I am creating this in my own mind. I know that I need to pull my shoulders back and hold my head high. The movie trailer in my head is my own. Yet, I can't help feeling alone, and somewhat lost.
I know I'm on the right path. But, it doesn't stop these present emotions. We all want to be accepted for who we are, and right now the truth is, I don't know if I feel so accepted.
My immediate reaction is to stay holed up in my house and hide, which is great considering it's Winter. I'm wearing a big, comfy, oversized sweatshirt my mother in law bought me for Christmas a few years ago. It's my "house sweatshirt" and it comforts me just a bit.
I understand that these are emotions I have to work through, but I'm honestly not sure how. As my new friend K said over the weekend, "Why would you let others hold power over you?" and she would be right. I don't have an answer.
This is something I have hidden for so long. There was comfort in the hidden understanding and knowledge. But now it's out in the open. At first, it was such a relief. But now I wonder- what are people really thinking about me? Do they think I've lost my mind?
As I've mentioned before, I hold a very tiny position in municipal government in my town. It is a position you have to run for and win to serve. I knew that coming forward with who I truly was might affect running for office again. I had to be true to myself and honor the person that I am, not the one I pretended to be. So I wonder of all of those people I've worked with before- do they think I've lost my mind? People that I hold in high regard, I now wonder if I've lost their opinion of me.
By taking the mask off, I changed the trajectory of my life, forever. It's a scary thought that now makes me uncomfortable, and nervous.
I trust in the Universe. In the present moment though, I wonder if what I did was the right thing.
I realize even by typing this current blog, I've made myself more vulnerable. The thing is, we can't grow unless we allow ourselves to be vulnerable. We must face our deepest fears and insecurities in order to move past them. I just happen to be doing it on a public forum that anyone can read.
We all have those things that we hate about ourselves, or we are worried about others finding out. I wonder,
Is just the thought of me scary?
Have I become some sort of monster?
I can't read your thoughts if I'm standing next to you. That's not how it works. I can turn my intuition on and off, unless in emergency situations when it'll immediately kick in. I can still go to coffee with you and not sense anything. We can have a play date with our kids and I'm not going to be scanning your house to find your secrets. I'm still me. The only difference is, if you ask me a question, you know I can probably sense the answer if it's available to me. That's it.
Even on social media though, I wonder.
Do you just bypass my Facebook page now?
Are you rolling your eyes at yet "another" post?
In a way, I feel like I can't win. I either have to let go of the importance I put in what people think of me, or not. Because, I can't survive like this. I'm creating a swirl of negative energy around me, and I dislike it. It doesn't help that I'm on day 3 of Whole30, so I'm more lethargic and moody because of my lack of sugar. But, I've done Whole30 before. I know the drill. The first week sucks as my body detoxes from the crap I had put in it, and then it starts healing.
Maybe that's what I'm doing emotionally as well by writing this blog. I'm detoxing my negative energy, voicing my insecurities, questioning my feelings and my viewpoint on things. I know that I won't always have to wear my house sweatshirt, and Spring will come. I won't always feel awkward around others. I won't always wonder if others opinions have changed of me. In the end, I know I will realize that the only opinions I hold dear are the ones I hold close around me. I trust that the Universe will send people to me that need my help, and those people have faith in my abilities and don't think I'm nuts.
The truth is, I'm getting burned out of trying convince people otherwise. Maybe the real person I'm trying to convince that I am legitimate and true is myself.
On that note, if you haven't already, go give my Facebook page a "like" and a "follow" I'm 2 away from 100 followers and I feel like it's been pulling teeth trying to get up to 100.