I just finished a reading with my first child loss client. Her loss is fresh and raw. When the psychic reading started, my stomach flipped when I realized why this reading was taking place.
It wasn't easy. I wanted to take all of my client's pain away from her, bottle it up in a jar, and throw it in the recycling bin. I wanted to be able to help her heal faster, easier, gentler.
But, child loss and grief aren't designed to be taken via expressway by merely visiting a Psychic Medium. It didn't give my client the express pass to walk past all of the emotions she was going to have to confront simply by speaking to me.
She was still in the numb stage- where you walk around like a zombie and pretend everything is fine. Your brain cannot comprehend that your life will never be the same again, so you act like it is. You go out to eat, and you play with your (living) kids. You're a shell of a person. Your body is there, but your mind is undoubtedly not.
This isn't the only option of what a fresh child loss is like. We are all different. For me, however, that's how it went- and perhaps for my client that I read for today.
There was so much I wanted to say to her, not as a Psychic Medium but as a loss mom. Perhaps I can use this outlet instead:
1. The darkest days, sadly, are still left to come. You will feel pain the rivals any other pain you've felt in your entire life. You will want to die.
2. Antidepressants are your friend right now. Go on something, if only to protect yourself from those dark thoughts, ESPECIALLY if you have a history of depression.
3. Eat all of the ice cream at any hour of the day. This is not the time to care about calories. This goes for carbs too. BUT...
4. STAY AWAY FROM ALCOHOL. Do not drink your emotions away.
5. Find an excellent show to binge-watch, especially if it's longer than six seasons. I recommend something you'd never think you'd watch. But-
6. Stay away from ER/Doctor shows. There are so many potential triggers in anything medicine related. For that matter...
7. If you watch the news, stop.
8. Allow someone else to help you pack up the baby clothes that you were saving/pack away the room. If you're not ready to pack it up, DON'T.
9. Keep wearing maternity clothes while you are healing. They are comfortable, and your body is going to take a while to recover.
10. Go to all of your doctor appointments, and keep your OB/GYN on speed dial. Just because you lost your child doesn't mean you don't need a checkup. Your body still went through the motions of labor. For that matter though,
11. Get the first appointment of the day at your OB or ask if they can see you outside of regular business hours, so you are not triggered by another pregnant woman. For that matter...
12. Be aware that when you see other pregnant women, you will feel a range of emotions. The first time I saw a pregnant woman after giving birth to my stillborn daughter, I wanted to throttle her and scream that she could lose her baby at the same time.
13. Give yourself the freedom to feel whatever emotion you are feeling. Anger, envy, regret, relief, sadness... it's all okay.
14. Take lots of showers. Wash your hair. Allow the warm water to flow over your body and heal you.
15. Start walking. Stretch your legs. Move your arms. Allow yourself to breathe in the fresh air and feel the sun on your face.
16. Accept any and all offers to help. Don't turn down and dinners.
17. Get used to saying, "No" and meaning it. Don't extend yourself for the sake of others.
18. It's okay if you cry anywhere, anytime. Don't worry about other people's judgments. Allow your grief to flow.
19. Don't feel guilty if you go 1 hour without thinking of the child you lost.
20. When you laugh, it's going to feel really, really, weird. Allow joy to escape your lips.
21. Be prepared for sensitive dates: Father's day, your baby's due date... make sure you plan to give yourself extra self-care during those times.
22. Find a good therapist. Go regularly.
23. Find a child loss support group in your area and/or online. The friends you make will be some of the most meaningful of your entire life.
24. Think of a healthy way to honor the child you lost. Maybe it's raising money for a specific nonprofit organization,, or making baby blankets.
25. Consider and/or get a tattoo. You won't regret it.
26. Know that many, many, women have walked your path. This is survivable. Allow those that have come before you to light the way.
To those mamas out there hurting today, my heart is with you.
(In honor of Penelope. Stillborn 8/18/13)