This morning I stood out in the sun on my deck, and the warmth of the sun radiated over my entire body. It's like the trees and the ground are starting to wake up again. I know in New England, we've still got another good couple of months until it really feels like Spring, but today you can almost feel that the process to get there has started. The crocus should be popping up soon out of the hard ground, and then the grass will start finding it's way through the tiny cracks. Even in the late Winter and early Spring snow storms, the sun is rising earlier, and the warmth is reaching down to touch all of us.
During the Winter equinox, people for hundreds of years celebrated the darkest of days. They hunkered down, gave gifts of evergreen to remind others that Spring would come, and they faced the darkness in themselves. This Winter, I've never followed my ancestors so closely in doing so. I faced my darkness head on, and in doing so, formed a new road in the dark and the cold. The last couple of weeks have been tricky. Many times, I am unsure of where to put my feet. It's rocky, and I feel myself tripping up. Every so often, an outstretched hand catches me before I fall. Voices of those unseen guide me, whispering secrets in my ear of my new duty. I've been frustrated, I've called upon those that have walked similar roads through my genetic line to help me.
The rough, old, hand of my great-great- grandfather- a man I've never even seen a photo of- is held out for me to follow. He shows me a vision of him touching another and healing them. He shows me angry people yelling at him, chasing him because of their own fear. I see his chin stuck out, bravely going forward, knowing he had a gift to share with the world.
His son, my great-grandfather, now steps out of the darkness and onto my path. He puts his hat in his hands and sadly smiles. His gift of intuition led him to have shock therapy after major depression effects him his entire life. He dies tragically in a plane crash far away from his home, never getting to say goodbye. He steps back into the darkness, close by, but unable to help lead me on a path he never was able to walk himself.
My grandmother steps forward, her long neck and nose which I inherited. She waves and smiles a joyful smile that I never saw her make while living. Her eyes that connect to me are sad. She was unable to comprehend the enormity of the gift she inherited, flat out refusing to use it. She thought by refusing the gift she could refuse the darkness, but she was wrong. She struggles with prescription drugs and alcohol her entire adult life, even at death's door terrified of death and the choices she made. She steps back into the darkness, grabbing her dad's hand. They have found peace and forgiveness in death. They watch me as I walk past them, unable to support the path they couldn't figure out, but supporting mine.
My aunt steps in line with me, next. She smiles the bright smile she was known for, and her eyes sparkle. She radiates with a light that I saw her radiate on earth, yet now she literally glows from every crevice. She understood and accepted the gift that had been passed down, but never used it beyond helping family and friends. The darkness that surrounded her ancestors followed her, too. She passes after battling addictions, but not before bestowing on me the knowledge that we shared the gift, and I was to use it with the world. She grabs my hand, and we walk together. She is often with me when I read others, smiling the proud smile of an Aunt that always knew I would be the one to break through the darkness so many before me had succumbed to.
It is clear I am not alone on this path, yet there are many times that I feel I am. I give into the negative emotions, and I struggle. I lack the understanding and clarity that my ancestors have, so I am still confused where my path is headed. With my aunts hand in mine and so many more on the sidelines watching, I know I am safe. I know that I am going where so many before me could not. My great-great grandfather is ahead of me, pointing at something in the distance that I cannot see yet. He is showing me what is ahead, and warns of the rocks on the road, some of which I will not be able to avoid. "You will fall" I hear him say. "You will make mistakes" "But," he says, pointing at his eyes "continue to see with the light of those before you, and you will NOT get lost" I look to the side of my road and see my ancestors, now holding lamps of light and love.
I will not get lost.
For this is the journey I am supposed to be on.
As I look around, I see roads parallel to mine for miles and miles. The roads are lighted similar, and figures I can't quite make out are walking along. "Those are the ones you will guide" my Aunt whispers in my ear. "They planned you in their life as you have planned them."
These paths we are walking are sometimes intertwined, but always individual. Our journey is ours alone and yet with the light of others, we find our way.
You will not get lost.
You are not lost now.
Look around you. Who do you see on your path? Who is guiding your journey? There are many unseen, helping you along.
Allow them to help you.
Allow the Universe to guide your way.
Let go of the perceived control you think you need to have. Control doesn't exist, except in your own mind. God and the Universe are always in control. Once you can accept that, your path will get easier.
Let go of the ropes and chains you are holding onto of guilt, anger, embarrassment.
We WILL trip up. We are SUPPOSED to. No one has ever lived a life without mistakes, or regret.
If you stumble and fall, brush your knees off and stand up tall.
You are meant to be right here, right now.
Allow others to help and guide you, seen and unseen. We are placed in each other's lives for a reason.
Do NOT give up.
Do NOT give in.
Do you see a light in the distance? That's my light on the path I am walking. The fact that you are reading my blog means that we are close by. Allow my light to shine for you while you start to let go.
The world needs us. Will we choose to shrink back into the darkness, or will we walk, unafraid? It is our choice.
It is okay to rest.
It is okay to let another's light shine while you catch your breath.
But, you will keep going.
Something in you has brought you this far. Allow the light to sink into your body.
And welcome the road ahead.
Spring is coming. Let us walk confidently, allowing the warmth to help us believe in the love and joy all around us, just waiting to be discovered.
It is there.
But, you must first let go of your control.
Believe in those unseen.
Have faith that the road will get easier.
And know that right now, right here,
Is Exactly Where you Need to Be.