Once you open yourself up to the light, it is hard to go back into the darkness.
The last few days I have been in a funk and I can't put my finger on why. It probably has a lot to do with being in the middle of Whole30, and while the sugar withdrawals are over (thank God) my taste buds miss the texture of a pancake, and the sweet taste of artificial sweetener in my coffee. Okay, so maybe I have a ways to go in working through the sugar addiction. We all have our vices. Mine just happen to be gluten-free baked goods and breakfast foods.
To be honest, I wasn't going to blog today. I hate blogging when I'm in a funk. I don't want to transfer my negative energy to the blog which then get's transferred on to you.
"When you're happy, Nancy...." my therapist told me today, "it's intoxicating"
"But when you're down. You're DOWN"
She's right. I love being apart of the light. Helping all of you keeps me moving through it, and it energizes me. Every time I get to connect to one of your loved ones that has passed on, I get to feel their love and light. Every time I get to help you through an issue you are having, it makes me feel like I'm right next to you, holding your hand. I truly enjoy it.
There are days that will pass by that I work hard on the website, the Facebook page, and I feel like a cat chasing it's tail. It's fun... but what am I really doing? Truth be told, I feel the same way about motherhood. There are some days I'm calling my kids by the dogs name and I'm forgetting to tell them to grab a coat before they run to school in 20 degree weather. Suddenly it's 4pm and I was supposed to start dinner and what the heck are we doing for dinner? Days like that pass by in a flash. The kids fall asleep and I take a breath and think, "What the hell did I do all day?"
I wasn't going to blog because I thought, "what's the point?" I didn't feel like I had anything insightful to say. I could blog about how my son talked about blue sharks all day, or our newly adopted dog bit me hard enough in the butt to create a puncture wound almost worthy of going to urgent care. This blog was never intended to be a rant-wheel for the dog-days of motherhood, but yes, my freaking butt hurts A LOT and the next time my son says, "midnight zone" I'm going to tell him the Octonauts no longer exists. (What the hell, Octonauts?)
I'm ranting about my day to get to a point- I wasn't going to blog BUT I checked my email. Somewhere hidden from seven days ago was an email from a friend of a friend (who feels like a friend) who's light is infectious and I'd happened to answer questions for a couple of weeks ago. In her first sentence or two was, "I love your blogs!"
Of course, when I read that, my thoughts were, "Well, shoot" (except replace shoot with the appropriate curse word.)
So, I'm blogging, if only to say that it's okay to have days where you feel like you get nothing done, or you reach 3pm and realize you haven't had anything to eat all day except fruit snacks. It's okay to have spouses that drive you up the wall because they feel like whatever they are working on takes priority over helping with the kids. It's okay to not have kids and work 12 hours a day and come home to eat ramen. Whatever you're doing- it's okay. We see each other's lives on social media and we think that someone else has it better. A quote I heard a long time ago went something like,
"Don't compare your behind-the-scenes to someone's else's highlight reel"
All of the stuff we put on social media? That's our highlight reel. Right now on my personal instagram I'm posting lots of pictures of the pretty food I'm eating this month on Whole30. I'm getting great comments like, "that looks like the perfect meal!" And, "that looks like a great combination!" Which is wonderful. What they don't see? The Lara bar I ate for lunch, the 10 almonds I grabbed at 4pm because I was starving, or the mushed up sweet potato I had for breakfast. Shoving my face full of Lara bar wouldn't make for a gorgeous photo, but it'd be a hell of a lot more real.
When I posted on Facebook about my true essence of being a psychic medium, intuitive, whatever the hell you want to call me- that was me being 110% real. People responded to that and I suddenly became Sally Field when she won an Oscar. "You like me! You really like me!" So, I started posting my blogs and all of the sudden... a lot of people stopped responding. The rejection hit me like a ton of bricks. Whatever comes up, must come down. I still haven't quite figured out why I got the initial surge of support followed by barely a glance. My therapist tells me I'm thinking too much, and she'd probably be right.
It bugs me, and I don't think I'm alone in feeling like this at one time or another on social media. You post this amazing photo of yourself, or you think of this really funny joke or observation only to get... crickets. What the heck? Obviously, validation cannot be found online. If you were to say the same joke with your tribe, everyone would laugh. But social media is fickle that way. We shouldn't hold it as the basis for our self worth.
For me, it's tricky because it's how I'm earning my business. Every time you recommend me or post something positive about me, it helps. I remember during customer service training way back in my twenties, the presenter talking about positive versus negative interactions. If a customer has a negative reaction with a business, they'll tell 10 people (this was before social media, I imagine the number is way higher now.) If a customer has a positive reaction with a business, they'll tell 5, if that. In my quiet moments, I question myself as to why it's not buzzing more if people are generally happy with my readings. So, then I start thinking. (Of course I do.) "Did I answer their question thorough enough?" "Are they ashamed of recommending me?" -Again, it's all in my head. (And if I could have a glass of wine right now, I'm sure I wouldn't be thinking so deeply ALL OF THE TIME. Thanks, Whole30.)
One thing that has been clear in the last month is the support of a handful of people, and I couldn't have done it without them. In the very beginning of my blog, I talked about having a cheering section. I hear my cheering section loud and clear, and for now, that's what I need. That is what we all need. A tribe of women that support each other is stronger than anything, and hard to break. The unexpected thing that has come out of this is that my tribe has grown. Me, the girl who would hide out in the speech and debate classroom during lunch in high school, now has genuine friendships with women. If nothing else, this last month has taught me how valuable those friendships are.
So, here is to our tribe: To the people in our life that answer our text right away on Reality Steve's idea of who the next Bachelorette will be (Hannah B. Are you pro or con?) To the people that think that fruit snacks and wine make an excellent combination. To the people who drag you with them to a workout, or just let you vent about how your spouse didn't pick their clothes off the floor. Our tribe makes these dog-days of early March worthwhile.
On a final note, why does it feel like January in March? I cannot wait to feel the sun on my arms, and the light breezes blowing. Until then, I know that we're all in this together. It's been one month of blogging. Thank you everyone who reads my blogs, who comments, who shares, who's asked questions, who's met me in person. It is because of each one of you that my light is burning bright. I am grateful, appreciative, and humbled by the love and acceptance that has been shown. Let's keep spreading the love, knowing that sometimes simply by being in each other's lives, we make a world of difference.
To you all.