I don't pretend to have all of the answers. I don't pretend to even have some of the answers. Just like you, I find myself floundering through this life, hesitating on decisions, making bad choices, apologizing, and trying to do the best I can. There are nights that I go to bed and I lie in the quiet, my eyes open to the darkness, and I analyze why I didn't give more.
I constantly question my ability as a mother. There are times after I say something in frustration to my children that I positive they will be repeating that very phrase in therapy in ten years time, as they work through the hurt I know that I must cause them from time to time.
My husband sometimes gives me a look that I know is not one of love or devotion, but of frustration, or anger- or even disgust as I show him the spot on my back where I had my latest mole removed. I admittedly look back at him similarly (as much as I adore and love him.) There's no "Warnings" book for what happens to your body as you leave your thirties, and no book telling me what transpires in a marriage after the ten-year mark. Marriage is work- but you can't explain just how hard the work is, nor how many times you will shake your head or wonder why you had kids and didn't just go to law school until you're in the throws of it.
There is joy in the mundane and the consistency of life flowing on. I saw a friend of my daughters who I hadn't seen in over a year yesterday. They are the same age, yet when I saw Z, I couldn't believe how much she had grown nor how mature she was starting to look. It wasn't until I remarked those observations to her mom that I realized my daughter has grown too. Yet, I am blinded by the every day- the constant reminders for her to feed the dogs or make her bed- that I have missed her growing and changing before my eyes. I still see her as a three-year old, bravely going off to preschool for the first time with her head held high. She has never been afraid, and I envy that quality in her.
Perhaps she learned it from me, as I think about the year past. I started this website on a cold early February day. There was snow on the ground, the trees were barren, and the sun was low in the sky. Somehow time has escaped me, and I look out to see the very trees that were barren full of life- but changing colors. Soon they will completely let go and accept the nakedness of their branches for a time being.
It is the constantly flow of life, ever-changing, that I find both anxiety-ridden yet comforting. I thrive on consistency, yet I appreciate the trust I must put in God in understanding they are in charge.
As a psychic medium, I understand I am quite the paradox. I don't search for Universal answers as some psychics have done. I don't seek to tell you who the next president will be, nor if Atlantis existed. I don't feel my role is to spread conflicting ideas on ideologies or your personal beliefs. I don't seek to add chaos nor drama to anyone's life. Rather, I feel my role is to quiet your anxious mind, comfort your aching soul, and help you in your faith in yourself and a higher power. I receive information when I speak to you or when a message needs to be given to someone, but I don't seek out messages. They come to me like a gentle river that flows down a brook after a rainstorm. Different from my own conscious thoughts in tonality, language, and even timber, I have come to recognize these unique thoughts and feelings as God-given, and only for the person they were intended for. I am the connection to something higher, yet that is not to say I am the only one.
I do not have the answer to why I am able to receive the messages- as my imperfections far surpass my goodness. If Saint Peter were at the gates, he'd have a long list of the reasons why I wouldn't be deserving. Yet, I was called upon to help, and I answered the call. Perhaps it is a type of atonement for the person I have been. Whatever the reason, "why" isn't important, nor is, "how." My purpose is clear: to help you through your pain, your guilt, your loss, your own self-loathing, and allow you to see your true self as God sees it. Perhaps through readings with you, I see my own light and goodness.
I don't have all of the answers- but I'm not supposed to. I am human. I am imperfect, fallible, and when it comes to my own life, more wrong than right. Yet, I am grateful and humble that when it comes to reading a client or connecting to someone that has passed on, I am able to have a pure connection, and be right for you. I don't want to be a guru, I just want to be able to help ordinary people like myself that feel like they are flailing around.
The truth of the matter is, most of the time- I feel like I'm flailing around. I feel like I'm standing in the shallow waters of the ocean, as one wave and then another hits me. Sometimes the waves go over my head and I feel like I am drowning, but I never do. Sometimes I loose my footing on the soft sand beneath me, but my balance prevents me from completely going under. Sometimes I am able to time the waves just right, and I easily go through them. The waves are never the same, and sometimes a wave I think I can easily time and jump through goes over my head. But, that is life. I accept and embrace it for what it is, even i f it's hard, even if it feels like I keep getting lost.
My true purpose I feel, is to help you. Whether I am flailing or thriving, when I am doing a reading I am 100% with you, present with your pain, your purpose, and your loved ones that speak softly in my ear. Your stories help me fulfil my purpose as I help you fulfil yours.
What stories are you wondering if you will fulfil? What guilt are you carrying as the waves hit you? Are you letting life pass you by, or are you fully present in the moments?
I work on letting go of my regrets as you should work on letting go of yours. Allow your destiny to be realized, understanding that God/the Universe is ready and willing to show you the way.