Sometimes I feel like I stuck in quick sand and I'm slowly sinking.
The negativity that engulfs me presses me down into the mud and I find I can't move my feet, then my legs.
These thoughts swirl around me and I can do little to stop them:
"You're not good enough"
"You won't be successful"
"You have reached your limit of success"
Then for the kicker, the thought that always cements me into the ground:
"I can shut this website down. It doesn't matter."
At this moment in time, there's a small part of me that doesn't want to stop these thoughts. I am comforted by the thought that as long as I have these negative thoughts, I won't be disappointed. I also don't have to try. I can just, "be" with these negative emotions. They were my friends for so long.
It's hard to switch to a "glass half full mentality" after being "half empty" for most of your life. Even the most positive people have negative thoughts. I remember reading that the difference between positive and negative people is that positive people don't let those negative thoughts hold them hostage for very long.
It's precisely what I am doing at this moment, and I know it's not helping anything. Yet, I slowly sink down. I don't even panic about it. The negatively somehow calms me because I am so used to it. It's like that smelly blanket from where you were a kid. It's disgusting, yet you love how it feels around you.
These feelings are the very reason why I started this site to begin with: to help others work their way through why they are having these emotions.
Unfortunately, I don't have a psychic medium around to tell me when I am going to get back on track. The closet I have is a therapist, and while she's been amazing at helping me work through things, I wouldn't want her help with this.
I've always been a lone-wolf when it comes to my depression. I don't let others in. I let it infest me. I stop answering text messages and I turn away from any light that is shining. In short: I punish myself.
Just like now. I feel myself sinking. I could ask for an olive branch from someone to help me out, but I don't. If I asked for an olive branch I know I'd feel better. I know that a thirty-minute phone call with a friend would turn the quick sand into a soft soil for me to step out of.
I feel tears sting my eyes as they come forth.
I am so frustrated.
I feel like no one wants me as a psychic medium
as a writer.
Then, I chastise myself for even having those thoughts.
"I'm so stupid"
is my general response.
It is so hard not knowing why the Universe plans things the way they do. I know one day it'll all make sense, but today, I'm sad. Good thing the Universe has nothing but love and grace to send back to me. The Universe understands my sadness. It's something for me to work through.
Do you ever feel like you wish you could stop going over speed bumps on your path? Do you ever wonder why you can't just "walk" for awhile?
Walking on a smooth, quiet path does nothing to help our growth, but it'd be nice for things to calm down for awhile.
That's where our tribe comes in. The very ones that I am avoiding.
I check my phone.
Text messages from friends light up, full of understanding and humor.
The quick-sand is slowly diminishing. I feel grateful.
I see an olive branch within reach. All I need to do is grab it.
I realize that my negativity while comfortable, is inhibiting my growth. Focusing on negative thoughts doesn't make the situation go away, it only makes it farther from understanding whatever happened to bring you down in the first place. You still have to work though it, it's just going to take a lot longer. That is why community is so important for growth. When we are able to rally around each other, our lights multiply. Lessons that would be hard alone are easier when we are walking along side each other.
Being a lone-wolf can definitely keep yourself surrounded by thoughts, but it does nothing to activate forward motion. We need each other, in good times and bad. There is a reason that pledge is in every marriage vow. It's not just about pledging fidelity, it's about pledging support. "I will lift you up because we are stronger together" The same could be said for friends. I am stronger with my friends, even though habitually I pull away.
We sometimes pull away because we want to spare others pain. Other times, we feel we are not worthy of time or effort. I remember telling someone recently,
"I'm sorry for taking up your time. There are so many other people that need you"
That very statement alone belittles my own self-worth.
You are worthy of others time and attention.
You are worthy of being surrounded by those that lift you up.
I'm still working through these thoughts that have been in my life a long time. It's hard to get rid of them completely. It is more comfortable to have thoughts you are used to having. But, you can't move forward by looking backward.
So today, I choose the olive branch. A part of me really doesn't want to. As odd as it may seem, it's not comfortable for me to go with positive emotions (do as I say, not as I do.)
But, I know in order to accomplish those big dreams I have, I can't keep relying on old habits. I have to create new ones, and that means allowing others to support me because I am worthy of being supported. I also need to allow the Universe the time to move things around to where I am supposed to be. Sometimes it doesn't happen in the time I want it to, but I know it's when it needs to.
I allow myself to be helped. I call my husband and let him support me. We talk about the snow that is currently melting in the White Mountains, and just the thought of our first hike of the season takes me to a memories of our last hike in early October: It was my birthday weekend, and we set out on a thirteen mile hike that covered four peaks and an insane amount of elevation. It was the hardest day-hike I have ever done, but it was also the most memorable. I can still hear the wind whistling over the mountains and the red, yellow, and brown colors Autumn was bringing on the valley below.
I remember that I can do hard things. So can you.
We make tentative plans for next month to go back and hike, and I feel my body relax.
It's easy to get lost in our thoughts and our depression. But, we must remember the things that make our heart sing and our soul expand -those are the things you need to turn to when you feel the quicksand.
I find myself on terra firma, and I look around. It doesn't look so bad when you gain some perspective. Sometimes all you need is to sink a little to realize how far you've come.
Take the olive branch. Find your tribe, and keep moving forward.