Memories that hold us back

3 min read
17 Feb

I'm writing my blog a bit early today. Like, really early. Early enough that I haven't had coffee. Early enough that the sun is still sitting low on the horizon, almost asking to come up. 

I've always loved dawn. When I was very little, I was always the first of 3 children to be awake. The house was quiet. The only other person up was my mom. We'd play checkers in our huge open living room, heated only by a single fireplace. I can still hear the crackling of the fire, and the birds outside just waking up. Sometimes if I was lucky, she'd heat up a donut for me (exactly 10 seconds in the microwave, not a second more) and we'd talk about whatever it is four or five year olds like to talk about. It was our time, and I've held on to the memory of that like I do the birth of my three children. Last Spring my mom came for a visit. We were out shopping and at one of the outdoor areas there was a huge checkers board. I challenged my mom to game. We didn't have donuts and it wasn't dawn, but all of the sudden there I was, four years old, playing a checkers game with my mom. 

There's a magic in memories. It's funny, the things we remember usually are not thing things you think you are supposed to remember. I barely remember my wedding. I wish I could remember more of that moment I found out I was pregnant for the first time- when I felt that magic was taking place inside of me. But, I somehow remember when my daughter was two she took our big akita, Koa for a walk. Koa was twice the size of my daughter still, yet Koa waited for her as my daughter tried to lead her along, claud only in a diaper and slip on shoes. I remember the moment my husband saw the Temple of Poseidon in person, and uttered a phrase I never in my life thought he would utter. I won't share it here, but it was well, magical. 

Sometimes memories bring us pain. Those are the ones we need to work through and let go. I have plenty of those, and I hate that my mind is still working through some of them. I understand intellectually that working through past pain is a life-time process, and they all can't be released in a weekend retreat (as much as those spas keep advertising. Somehow I doubt sitting in a sauna or eating organic food for a weekend is going to completely heal me, but that's the cynic in me talking.) But it's frustrating, because I know this past pain I'm holding onto is keeping me from joy. 

I'm typing this again for emphasis, because it's so freaking important. 

Your past pain that you hold on to keeps you from experiencing greater joy. 

Do you understand how that's possible? We hold on to negativity. (remember the blog about negative energy? If not, go and re-read it, it's a good one. AND I'm not just saying that because I wrote it.) When we hold onto negativity, not only does it fester and grow, but that space where you are keeping it- in your head and in your heart, it doesn't give you space to open yourself up love. Joy. Happiness. If your thoughts in your head are so wrapped up in the past love that got away, or the job you didn't get that you really wanted- how are earth are you ever going to find a new love, or a job that's comparable. You might say, "Well, I moved on. I have a new boyfriend. I got a job." Sure- your conscious mind has. It fools you. But what's going on when you lay down at night and you can't sleep. Does your mind go back to that last time your old boyfriend kissed you, or the moment you found out you lost your job? That's when you know those old memories need to be let go. A lot of times it's entirely sub-conscious. I'm going to share a really personal story, but I figure it's okay considering I've bared the rest of my heart on this blog, and I love to say I'm an open book. 

I fell in love in my twenties. A fiery, crazy love. I loved this man more than I have loved anyone. But, he was not in a good space. He and I both knew it. He broke up with me and broke my heart into a million pieces. When I finally felt healed from him, he came back again. That love I felt I had for him? It freaking multiplied. I knew I wanted to marry him. He took me home for Thanksgiving and I thought he was going to ask me to marry him. I was so sure of it. I was so ready. But, he didn't. A few months later he broke my heart again, this time for good. In my heartbreak, I made a radical move. No, I didn't cut my hair. (although I have been known to do that. Ask anyone in high school. My hair was always short after a breakup.) I actually made a MOVE. I moved hundreds of miles away. I literally moved on, and so did my heart. He kept creeping in, though (damn social media.) and I let the jerk do it. I didn't take him back, but we would chat about old times. 

I'm not sure why anyone finds the need to chat about old times with an old flame. There is absolutely zero point. Why would you chat about old times when you have NEW times? That's my point. He was still in my head. I was dating. But my heart wasn't fully free. Soon after, I met the man that would be in my husband.I fell head over heals. He was so different than anyone I ever dated. He made me laugh all of the time, and we just worked. But- that damn old boyfriend kept creeping in. Even after I got engaged. Even after I got married, even. My husband knew about him, even chatted with him on the phone again. My old flame and I were "friends." But like Harry in "When Harry Met Sally" women and men cannot really be friends. I'm going to edit that to include "Especially if you had a romantic love-filled six months and you wanted to marry the guy." 

At one point, the old flame asked me to leave my husband for him. My husband and I were fighting a lot at the time (I wonder why, hmm...) and quite honestly, I considered it for a second. I was still holding onto those damn memories in my head and in my heart a tiny bit. My husband left for an extended trip, and instead of focusing on the old-flame, I started focusing on the one that my heart skipped a beat to. We would email. On the phone we really started talking about things. We couldn't fight over who took out the trash with him gone, or what was for dinner. Actual real conversations. At one point on the phone he even asked me out on a date for when he got home, and I giggled like a school girl. (File that under, "Good memories") Then the day finally came for my husband to return. One of the happiest days of my life, by far. I swear I didn't stop beaming all day. I saw my husband for the first time in a very long time- I'll never forget he had aviator sun glasses on and he looked straight out of Top Gun. That was my MAN. On the way home from picking my Tom-Cruise look alike husband up, my phone rang. I glanced down to see it was the Old Flame. No kidding. (That guy had impeccable timing. He always did.) My husband didn't even notice it, his hand was intertwined with mine, caught up in the moment of being back with his family. Do you think I answered the phone?


I haven't heard from him since. I let the fool go. He took up a couple years in my head and a tiny bit of my heart that he didn't deserve to be in, especially, ESPECIALLY after I met my husband. The thing is, I didn't realize it. I didn't know he was taking up space. I "thought" my whole heart and mind were for my husband. I "thought" I had gotten over him. I "thought" I had let him go. But in those tiny moments when my husband and I used to fight? (I'm so proud to say "used to," we have come so far)  I would think about a jerk that didn't need to be there. Why in the world would anyone think that was good or healthy? The ultra-strict Christians are on to something when they ask people to wait for marriage. I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about the heart. To clergy and therapists alike, it is no secret that the more emotional loves you have, the harder it is to 100% commit to the person you decide to spend the rest of your life with. 

What are you holding onto that is taking space in your head? Your heart? What do you think about late at night? Who do you think of? That's the stuff that you need to let go. Regrets only hold us back from the present moment. I could regret and mull over the fact that I felt totally socially awkward at a fundraiser last night, or I could say to myself "no one probably noticed" (and if they did, let's be honest. I'm known for being a little awkward) and I can LET. IT. GO. Don't make me quote the Frozen song. There's a reason why even years later, people can't stop singing it. We all need to let stuff go- whether it's regret, bad memories, sadness. 


Even the "used to be" as recently as last night. Let's be honest. We've all had Friday nights we regret. Just ask Katy Perry. 

Today if you're feeling up for it, think about what you might be holding onto that might be preventing you from even more happiness and joy. 


Guaranteed, full stop.

As an intuitive/psychic, I can help pinpoint where you might need a little help releasing pain. Ask me why you feel unhappy with your husband, your job, your life. Sometimes it takes someone from the outside pulling insight down from the great beyond (God) to get you to release that unhappiness. I promise you, when you are able to release that pain, you start to shine. Intuitives can actually feel it. When someone is able to release pain, it's like the light breaks out from those tiny crevices. Do you know where the light goes? 


Your light goes out- to others in pain and those that need it. It goes into a world so void of light right now. We need light in the world right now. We need your light. I know I blogged that yesterday, but it's worth repeating because it's freaking true.

You. The person that is reading this. YOUR LIGHT. Not the person to your right or left right now (though the world needs their light, too) 


So let that pain go. All it takes is a single question to start. I know you have questions if you're reading this, so ask me. What do you want to know more about? 

I'm sending every single person reading this love and the light of a thousand sunrises today. May you feel love and the release of any pain you may be feeling. And if that old boyfriend ever happens to read this- I wish you well. Thank you for your part in my journey. 

With love,


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