I always find the absence of writing amid chaos. With kids, dogs, and life, things get in the way that takes priority over self-reflection. Yet, it is in those moments that I find myself needing reflection the most. When we are rushing between one activity to the next, we aren't pausing, and we indeed aren't being present. We are so busy going that we forget to be. So I find myself on an ordinary Tuesday evening sitting at my computer staring at a blog that was becoming so much a part of me, but lately has been so far from me.
Working and being a mom is a delicate balance. There are weeks when I am booked every day with clients. I am grateful for the opportunity to help, but the mom in me feels filled with guilt. Then, the weeks that are quieter (like this one) that I feel an urgency to reach out into the Universe to help more people. I feel unsatisfied regardless of what speed life is taking me.
It is this unsatisfaction (that I have touched on the blog before) that leads to more unhappiness. It is the business and distraction of life that takes me farther from myself. If I were being true to myself, I'd be in self-analysis each and every day. Critiquing oneself can't be healthy either, though. So, like every other parent out there- I strike to find a balance of quick and slow. It is the military slogan of, "Hurry up and Wait" that is present in my every day life.
As I have been typing there is a woman that has walked by my house no less than three times doing loops around the neighborhood. She walks with purpose, her head held high and her arms are swinging. It is twilight, and I admire her tenacity for chasing the sunset that has long passed. I am the exact opposite of the woman walking outside. In pajamas since 6pm, I have taken a shower and washed my face. The late nights of community work that I have been involved in the last couple of weeks have taken its' toll, and the bed is calling my name. I feel a tad guilty that I am not out there joining the woman with her arms swinging, her heart faithfully pumping in rhythm. I long for a walk outside, but my body and mind are tired.
Another neighbor apparently feels similar to me, as I see a pizza delivery truck pull up across the street. I feel you, mom. Dinner for my kids was leftovers. I admittedly haven't eaten dinner, consuming a half bag of chips while watching the Bachelorette this afternoon has shamed me as well as kept my belly full. It's okay to have those nights where you don't eat, or chips are your dinner. As parents, we must focus on doing the best we can, and letting go of the guilt of any of it. I thoroughly enjoyed watching the first episode of the Bachelorette, and I fully enjoyed the salty crunch of the chips that I stuffed into my mouth with little regard for the calories or health benefits of the probably GMO potatoes.
Sometimes, you just have to eat the chips.
Sometimes, you just have to sit as others walk by triumphantly.
Sometimes, you don't have to self-reflect or analyze.
Sometimes, you can go with the speed of the current your life is taking you.
It's okay to be crazy-busy one week and twiddling your thumbs the next.
What's not okay is the judgment that we put on ourselves for not fulfilling whatever destiny we are working towards. Part of destiny is living it.
Whether you ordered a pizza tonight or you had a green salad with sugar-free dressing. Allow yourself to be tonight.
Tackle the hard stuff tomorrow.