I don't know why a stranger's words hurt as much as they did. I allowed unknown people to have power over my emotions. It's been a life-long challenge for me to disregard what people think, and it's a lesson I'm still in the progress of learning.
My friend and I were organizing an intuitive group reading. I love intuitive group readings because it allows me to help a significant number of people in a short amount of time. Group readings are generally 15-20 minutes a person. I have a policy that I do not connect with loved ones that have passed over (have you ever tried to put the phone down when your Grandma/Mom/Uncle/etc. wants to talk? It's almost impossible.) I generally touch into relationships, work, or family life. A fifteen-minute reading is an excellent way to, "dip your toe in the water" of a psychic reading without getting wet (so to speak.) I like being able to help people in a short amount of time.
"Some of the crowd is against the idea due to religious reasons." my friend texted back when I messaged her asking her if a date was set yet.
I immediately felt crestfallen. I was being judged before the group had even met me, using religion as the reason to not be open to allowing the woman's group to participate. This decision was made without knowledge of who I am, what my beliefs are, nor why I am an actively practicing psychic medium, to begin with.
I started to wonder if, had the women's group met me, they would have still felt like it was a bad idea. Was it just the "idea" of a psychic medium that was frightening? What religious reasons did they have for not being willing to host me?
I took offense because I did not know where the group was basing their fear from, and also the fact that I am the least bit scary as a person. (I can throw a mean jab in karate, though.)
Growing up, I was terrified of my abilities. Raised Catholic, I tried to be a "good girl" and follow the teachings of Catholicism. As I grew, I noticed more and more of the hypocracy and stopped attending church. In high school (and on lots of psychotropic drugs to "quiet the voices") I found Chrstianity and became a born-again-Christian. Once again, I tried to fit the mold that society wanted me to fit into. I memorized Bible verses, and chanted, "It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve" with the youth group. I refused to believe Gays and Lesbians were going to hell, and I struggled with believing "every" part of the bible. When the youth group started lessons on the roles of women and men, I finally broke off. I was a feminist first and foremost, and there was no way I would follow along with submitting to my husband or elder males.
My abilities made me anxious, depressed, and isolated. I yearned for someone to take me under their wing and tell me that what I knew and felt was okay. Instead, I was constantly barraged with the dogma that psychics were "evil" and the work of the "devil."
I became suicidal. I felt like a freak. I didn't want to be evil. I didn't want to go to hell. I sat in my car, waiting for a train to come to throw myself in front of. I felt useless to the world. As I sat there waiting for the train, the familiar voices came into my head. My Spirit Guide was pushing thoughts in, and I screamed out loud in an empty car to stop.
"Why would anyone choose this?" I screamed out loud.
"Why do I have these damn abilities?" I continued.
I could feel my Aunt's presence now, soothing. My Aunt had abilities, too, although she rarely talked about them. Only once did she and I have a frank conversation about what ran through our family lineage. It was fifteen years before she passed, but I never forgot it.
"What am I supposed to do??" I sobbed.
The thing is, I knew what I was supposed to do. I didn't want to do it. No, I wasn't supposed to kill myself. I was meant to help people with these "evil" abilities.
The thing that I always wonder is, who is to judge what is evil and what is good? Jesus himself said, "Judge not, lest the be judged" (Matthew 7:1) If we are holding ourselves to Biblical standards, the simple act of judging is wrong. Labeled someone as "evil" or "going to hell" is putting a judgment on someone. Will God look more favorably on you for judging or me for having the ability?
The answer is neither. If we state that God will judge us is failing to acknowledge God's omnipotence.
So, let's get to the elephant in the room: I don't understand how I have these abilities. I don't know how I can tap into those that have passed on. I have always been able to, and while I can quiet my intuition, it is always there.
I decided back in late January when I sat in my car, waiting for the train to come, that I had two options: kill myself, leaving my children motherless. Or, make friends with the elephant in the room, and use it to help others.
It's now June and four months since I started One-question.net. I have read well over fifty clients, and connected with at least half that many in Spirit. What has been affirmed for me over and over again as I've read people is this:
So my friends, find your special gift to help the world. I wish you love, peace, understanding of those that are different than you, and harmony.
*For more discussion on this blog, please listen to my latest podcast here