For most of my life, I have been afraid to dream. Not like, dream when I go to sleep- although Freddy Kruger and "Nightmere on Elm Street" did scare the crud out of me when I was younger. I mean like, dream that one day I'd have a white picket fence or become a hot shot lawyer. I've always been afraid to think beyond the current year. I grew up with so much anxiety and depression, I often wondered out loud if I'd make it through my teenage years. (I would SO fit in with the Emo kids of today.)
So, I didn't. I didn't set a lot of goals for myself, I didn't study hard in school. I was so busy being depressed and feeling sorry for myself, I could barely lift my head up to see the world around me. I was SO certain I was going to amount to nothing. My twenties were filled with making bad decisions, trying to destroy whatever promise I showed. I dropped out of college. I got married in Las Vegas. I drank a lot. I was hurting so deeply, I started cutting myself. I shaved my head. My pain translated into anger. It was a messy, messy time.
One day I woke up and decided I couldn't keep being miserable. I asked my husband for a divorce. I started working two jobs. The Universe noticed my determination to right my ship, and provided the right people at the right time. Within a three week span I decided to, then moved to Seattle- 1000 miles away from where I was living. The economy was good, and I got offered a job the very next day. The next month, I was promoted. Life started looking up, I think because I decided it was going to. I wasn't going to accept failure or feel sorry for myself any longer. Without that sudden shift, I never would have met my husband six months later.
Each shift in my life has been made because of these "jumps" I made. The one thing I have never lost (besides maybe, when I was drinking a bunch) was my tenacity. If you tell me I can't do something, I will turn around and say, "watch me." I don't do it to prove it to you- I do it to prove it to myself. I never, ever, want to wonder "what if." Those jumps have always been risky. They have always been scary. They have gotten me here today. Without any of those risks, I wouldn't be typing this blog, or helping the wonderful people I've been able to help. We would all be on different paths, completely oblivious to the other.
It was the shift in my thinking that helped me turn around. I stopped thinking I couldn't do something and did it. Every fear I had, I tried to conquer it. Because of it, I have flown and sailed across the Atlantic ocean. I have seen the Temple of Athena is Athens. I have eaten a traditional Turkish lunch in Kusadasi, Turkey. It hasn't been easy, but every one of those things took a risk.
I blog about all of this not to brag about the places I have been or the meals I have tasted. I blog about it because each one of us has things that we've always wanted to do, but we stop ourselves. Why?
We are afraid of success. We think we don't deserve it. We think someone else deserves it more. We think we need to give our kids a childhood like we had, or one that we have already mapped out in our mind of how it's supposed to go. (There's that control again.) But it all comes down to one simple word.
Don't believe me? Think about something you had an opportunity to do, but didn't. What stopped you? When you run out of excuses for me, the only thing left will be fear.
The very first night I thought of this website, I brought out a brand new notebook and started brainstorming. I reserved one page for "GOALS," jotted some stuff down, then continued to work. This afternoon I glanced down at my "Goals" page again.
I realized it was mostly blank.
Because I have been afraid to dream.
I have been so afraid of rejection and what people would think of me. Now that I have ousted myself as "psychic," I wouldn't even allow myself to write anything down. I was so "sure" that this was going to fail. I was so "sure" I was going to be rejected. I might as well have had oranges being thrown at me the way I was thinking- as if I was on stage and everyone was going to "boo."
Sure, it hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies. But, it has been surprising how many people have messaged me words of encouragement. Other people's belief in me, (plus some really happy customers) have allowed me to think beyond tomorrow or next week.
There's been something rolling in my mind for a couple of days. Like usual, I ignored the thought until the Universe made something pop up. (No, I didn't say the goal out loud, I know how Facebook and Google like to "listen in" with advertisements.) When it popped up the next time, I still mulled it over. It was almost as if I was afraid to write it down. I was so terrified that if I wrote it down, it would make it real. If it was real, that meant I could fail at it.
I hate failing. I don't know anyone who does, though.
Last night, I wrote the goal down and I walked away. This morning, I added to it- a time frame. It's scary to have a huge dream, especially one that stares you in the face when you open your notebook- but it was necessary. I NEEDED to write it down. I NEEDED to make it real.
Because I deserve good things to happen in my life.
Just because good things happen in my life, doesn't mean that good things can't happen in your life. It's not pie. I'm also not saying you don't deserve good things in your life. I'm talking about ME as an individual.
For a long time I have struggled with "deserving" the things that have come my way. I felt so guilty about going on a cruise last April, that I found it hard to enjoy at times on the trip. My therapist tends to shake her head at me when I go down these thought-pattern rabbit holes. They are never healthy, and they never seem to make sense to anyone but me.
Hint: if that's the case with a thought of yours, that's how you know it's not a very useful thought.
The thing is: Dreams are meant to be far-fetched. They are meant to be practically unobtainable. Even if you get halfway there, you're still a heck of a lot farther than you ever thought you'd go.
What is your far-fetched dream? Write it down. Put it on your mirror in your bathroom. Look at it every day. Remind yourself that you are one step closer, even if the day before you made no progress. How is that possible? Because you learn every single day. You experience. You evolve. Even if you don't feel it- you do. We are always, always, growing. Dreams help us grow.
Last night, as I was asleep, something really interesting happened. I felt myself wake up, and I heard a voice that wasn't mine in my head. It wasn't the voice I hear when I am hearing something psychically- that's usually my own, maybe with different inflections or style. This voice was deeper, and I recognized it well. It's come to me only a few times in my life, usually at crucial times. It's always been wise and it's always been correct. I'm convinced it's my spirit guide, because of how true it rings. Last night the voice said,
"The people you are guiding are on their right path"
and then almost as an afterthought, as if they knew I needed reassurance they added,
"You are on the right path."
I woke up for a split second, confused, then worried I would forget the message. But then I fell back asleep, the voice gone and the only sound the rain hitting the roof.
I woke up thinking about the message I had so clearly received, and a request for an intuitive question to be answered in my inbox. The question that was asked wasn't some magic question (sorry to disappoint you) but it was almost as if the Universe wanted to reaffirm the message that was given to me.
"Keep working" I felt like it meant.
So, I did. Then I sat down, and I put a time frame into this big, scary goal I wrote down last night. The Universe is always watching, always working, always adjusting. Even by you just writing down a goal of your own, you are putting it out into the Universe.
There is a theory called "Pronoia" and it is an antonym of "paranoia" It states that the Universe is always working in your favor. When you write the dream down, you are inviting the Universe to start working in your life.
Maybe you won't get there. Maybe you will. But you don't know until you try. It doesn't matter how old or young you are, you are never too far gone to dream. Write down your dreams. Let it go into the Universe. Wait. Know that where you are, is exactly where you are supposed to be.
To all of those that I have had the honor of helping in the last three weeks, know that you are on the right path towards your ultimate self. I have loved being apart of your journeys, and I can't wait to see what the Universe has in store for you. I truly mean that.
To all of you reading this today, I hope that whatever you dream, it's big, scary, and almost impossible. May you know that we are all deserving of our dreams coming true.